Did anyone see September...I feel like I missed it somehow. It was a busy month full of great new starts and very sad endings
First the good news. My sister in law Karen, moved down here to make a fresh start in this beautiful province of New Brunswick and is now moved in here with me and going to college. After surviving a huge loss in her life she inspires me with her resilience and motivation to make positive changes in her life and move forward with pride and determination. Having her here has been a Godsend and I know part of a much bigger plan.
A week after her arrival Lyndon mysteriously disappeard during the night while I was at work and I was to find out three days later that after 18 years together he decided to call it quits on our relationship and had moved back to Ontario. The pain and devestation from that was physically and emotionally overwhelming and for the better part of two weeks I found myself bouncing between great sadness, anger, frustration, hope, bewilderment but worst of all for me was the feeling of being unworthy of love and no better than yesterday's trash...easily disposed of. All my dreams and plans for the future now had no meaning...what was the point and where do I go from here? I thought I wanted to die or at the very least crawl into a hole and hide where the pain couldn't find me.
Luckily I had Karen here and many friends and family who rallied around me to help dig me out...build me back up and listened without judgement. I was thankful for those who did not want to throw Lyndon under the bus because at this point I was hoping it was just some kind of stress induced crisis he was going through and it would eventually work itself out. I now understand this was wishful thinking but it helped me to work through the pain with eyes that could see some things from his point of view. No, I don't agree with how this all happened but in the end I can accept that it has and now is the time I get to see what I am really made of. Some days I still have to remind myself to eat, sleep...breathe...but every day brings a new sunrise and another chance to make something positive happen.
So, onward and forward we must go. Karen and I have been out and about meeting new people and experiencing lots of things that I have wanted to do but kept putting off over the past two years. I have always known I could do things on my own but know for sure that most things are more fun when you have someone else to share the experience with. In order to keep my house I knew I was going to have to increase my income so picked up a second job quickly but unfortunately the hours were not going to work with the hours at the bakery and still allow me to have any kind of life...so I made another call, got a second new job and gave my notice at the bakery. I feel somehow lighter and less stressed already...the early hours at the bakery were wearing on me and I knew a change needed to happen there and I guess this was destinies way of making that change for me. Reminder...always be open to signs and opportunities!
Now here we are in October and my daughter Kristie and her boyfriend Greg arrived last night to help us celebrate Thanksgiving and my upcoming birthday. It's going to be a great week and after it the new jobs start and so does my new life. I still miss Lyndon and will probably always have a place in my heart for him but it does get easier every day to move forward. I wish him well in his future, and hope he finds happiness and peace within himself.
I guess sometimes it takes something huge, unpredictable and heartwrenching to open our eyes to our true inner strength. I have learned over the past month that if you are
positive, wearing the smile even when you don't feel it on the inside, being open and inviting to new people and experiences...good things will continue to happen and far outweigh the bad. I still believe my life is truly blessed and believe enough in myself and my abilities that every tomorrow will be better and brighter.
I have to say here that I have been debating writing anything about this, however I feel that there are some lessons to be learned and want to share this experience so that you know...no matter what your loss, look to your inner strength, be kind to yourself, and trust there is a plan in place for you bigger than you can imagine if you open yourself up to it.
Happy Thanksgiving to all who read this and their families...I am grateful and blessed to have all of you in my life.
