Answered Prayers

I make plans every day for one thing or another.  Plans for today, this week, next month, even sometimes a year in advance.  It's nice for me and most people to know what is coming up, helps us stay organized and can give us something to look forward to.

I wish it was that way for the girl that lives with me. (I won't say her name for privacy reasons even though she did want me to write about her on my blog).  Her life can be turned upside down just by telling her we are going grocery shopping after lunch.  Once she has been told this, nothing else matters.  She can't stay focused on anything else and constantly asks, "What time are we going, can we get lunch stuff, am I going to see one of my family or friends, can I put my shoes on now?"  It goes on and on until I want to pull out my hair.  I have learned over the past three years not to mention anything until I have my keys in hand. Sometimes I slip up or she will overhear me mentioning an errand to Billy so if I plan on leaving in an hour I tell her we are leaving in three hours which usually buys me time, it's usually the last hour that her anxiety builds.  When I call her to get her shoes on an hour later she is happy and excited to be going!

Now I am making plans for a trip to Cape Breton in July for her, Paul and I.  If I tell her, it will be three months not only of anxiety for her but time for her to try to sabotage the trip.  It's not that she doesn't want to go, I think she knows if her behaviors become too much I won't be able to take her, the vacation will get cancelled and she won't have to think about it anymore.  I can never be sure exactly what she is thinking because she can't seem to explain her feelings except through her behavior.  So, I won't tell her, the night before we leave I will cautiously pack her bag and put it in the van.  When we are on our way out for a drive the next morning to get a coffee I will tell her where we are going and she will be thrilled.  She really does love surprises, which when I think about it, for someone with autistic tendencies is rather unusual.  Just goes to show how each person with a disability can not be defined by the label some doctor gives them.

Now when things do go haywire and the behavior explodes what do I do?  At this point there is no talking to her, she has gone beyond the ability to think clearly and to understand what I am saying.  As calmly as I can, I redirect her to her room away from anyone or anything she can harm.  Since I am human some days are easier to maintain my own control during these situations than others. There is absolutely no point in trying to explain anything to her at this time.  The only thing I say is "when you are calm we will talk".  She wants me to say something, anything to keep the drama going.  I Do NOT physically restrain her, just quietly redirect her back to her bed when she comes at me arms flailing.  Eventually she wears herself out and when she has calmed enough I sit with her on the bed and give her a hug.  Even though she is still calling me every name in the book and babbling nonsense I know its almost over and soon she will be filled with remorse and I feel she needs to know I care about her.  I understand she hates acting in this way but for whatever reason has no control over it, so I wait, and let my own heart rate return to normal.  I wait sometimes hours, sometimes as long as a day before discussing the outburst.  I wait for that teachable moment, in the calm when I can be heard and she can think clearly.

She really has changed in leaps and bounds and I am so proud of her for making progress. I often hear from people that I am special for doing the job I do.  It takes a special kind of person to look after those guys, people say.  It takes patience, understanding but most of all I think it really just boils down to wanting someone who came from chaotic beginnings to just have some peace.  Maybe I just want to be the answer to someone's prayer.  What I know for sure is that the folks I care for may come with some challenges but it wasn't until they came into my life that I felt like I was really doing something special and that they are the ones that answered my prayer.